Another look at education. Practical guide. Maxim Bodikov

INSTEAD OF INTRODUCTION.
(from the author)
Today there are so many books on parenting and communication with children that it is quite difficult to choose which one to be guided by. The most frustrating thing about choosing these books is that they are all correct and say the right things. But, far from every parent has enough time, patience and preparation to re-read a large number of them and, on the basis of these books, form their complete concept, a ready-made approach to raising and communicating with their own children.

How to raise a child? How to teach him to be obedient, kind, responsible, responsive, honest, confident? These are the questions that parents most often ask when they come to a consultation with a family psychologist. These are all important questions, of course, but the problem is that depending on how you answer other equally important questions, they can have completely different answers for different parents.
Before getting an answer to their question, parents hear several other questions from me: Who are you going to raise? When does education begin and does it end? What is more important, being honest or kind?
At some point, my wife and I realized that the problem for most parents with raising their own children is not at all that they do not know HOW, but that they do not understand WHY, and FOR WHAT. We decided that our main task, as psychologists and as parents, is to form a holistic view of the upbringing and relationship with children.
This resulted in "Another Look at Parenting". It is about this “Different View”, about the attitude towards the child and together with the child, that we talk in our book. After all, when you know What you are educating, then the questions How no longer appear.
The experience of practical family psychology shows that many people have a very poor idea of ​​what family life is, not to mention what it is to be parents.
Many do not understand the role and place of a man in the family at all, not to mention the upbringing of children.
This book is a practical guide to the formation of the parents themselves, first of all, the attitude to family life in general and to the upbringing of children in particular. Only after the necessary attitude is formed, we can talk about some practical actions.
This book is about the attitude of parents to themselves, to their lives, to their families and, of course, to their children.
Happy and useful reading.
Maxim Bodikov

WHAT DOES PAPA START WITH?
RESPONSIBILITY TO DECIDE FOR YOURSELF.
Many little boys in childhood dream of becoming like their dads. Time passes, they grow up and really become like them, but they remain little boys.

As a child, I also wanted to grow up and become like my dad, then he annoyed me in many ways, and I wanted to become different. I began to engage in self-development and introspection, purposefully changed something in myself, acquired qualities that should have helped me a lot in life. And when I changed the way I wanted, I was surprised to find that in my worldview and understanding of life I became very similar to my dad.

The thing is, my dad was a very good father.

He was not a "real man" in the sense that many "men" understand, but he was a real father.

When I began to engage in psychological practice, I soon discovered that "real men" do not know how to be real fathers. They don't know what to do, how to do it, or even where to start. And they don’t know because, if their fathers were present in their lives, what they did in the family remains a mystery to many to this day.

It turns out that conceiving a child is as far from being a father as the Moon is from the Earth.

But there is good news too! Man has already mastered the flights to the moon!!! And you can learn to be a father.

The main thing in fatherhood is not behavior, not the words that dad says or does not say to his child. The main thing is the attitude and attitude not only to the child, but also to the family, to oneself and even to life.

The necessary attitude towards oneself can be described in one single word. And that word is responsibility.

The problem is that few people understand this word correctly.

A good dad is a responsible dad, a good husband is responsible, a good adult is responsible.

All good dads were once little boys, but not all little boys become good dads.

Many little boys are not familiar with the word "responsibility", and it does not matter how old this boy is - eight, eighteen or forty-eight. If you don't know what RESPONSIBILITY is, then you are a little boy. For In order to understand what responsibility is, let's first find out what responsibility is not.

Many little boys (and even little girls) think that responsibility is a limitation.

From early childhood, they are taught that responsibility is a punishment for an act:

- Broke the window? - get a belt, you have to be responsible.

- Did not learn the lesson - get a deuce, bear responsibility.

Did you get a two? - Sit at home, and no TV, - answer for your actions.

After such an acquaintance with "responsibility", few people want to be responsible. The formula “responsibility = punishment” has been hammered into consciousness since childhood.

And we are also reminded of responsibility when they want to force us to do something that we do not want.

- You should go to your grandmother.

- But, I was going to play football with the boys ...

- YOU SHOULD BE RESPONSIBLE, or WHAT YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE!

After this, you understand that responsibility is tiring and unpleasant. Therefore, it is not surprising that few people want to be responsible.

But this is not responsibility.

Responsibility is not a punishment, responsibility is not a duty.

The word "should" is not included in the concept of "responsibility". I don’t know how anyone, but my dad taught me this. It was he who explained to me a simple thing: "NOBODY owes ANYTHING TO ANYONE".

What is left of responsibility if you drop the word "should"?

***

I started my career as a psychologist in the Armed Forces. The army in many ways really makes men out of boys. But, besides this, it is a very clear indicator of responsibility and understanding of the word "should". Unfortunately, many guys after the service remain "little boys". Some understand something about responsibility, and for them the service is quite easy and interesting. But there is a category of "boys" who do not know anything about responsibility and substitute the word "should" for it.

It is with such people that the psychologist has to work most of all.

I worked with one of these boys for the entire year and a half that he served. At first he had problems with adaptation - and I helped him facilitate this process. Then, he had problems in communicating with the older period - and I was engaged in team building. When he couldn't find a common language with those who came to serve with him - we tried to improve their relationship. At the end of his service, he was not respected even by those who called a year later. This "boy" was called Maxim, and I was sure that I could help him. We worked through his fears, increased his self-confidence, I gave him tasks to develop communication skills, but things somehow didn’t work out.

And then, I decided to work out his attitude to life in general, to himself and to the people around him. Understanding his attitude, I came to the peculiarity of understanding responsibility and his attitude to the word "should".

He thought that responsibility is when you have to do something, behave in some special way. In his understanding, "should" and "should" had a similar meaning, but were not synonymous.

"Necessary" is when someone else owes, but not him.

“Must” is when if you don’t do it, you will be punished in some way.

For some reason, he was sure that the people around him should treat him well. When I asked "why?" He couldn't answer me.

What will happen to them if they treat you badly? - and in response - silence.

"NO ONE OWES NOTHING TO NOBODY"

Because if you "should", but did not do it and there is no punishment, then you should not.

At the same time, Maxim himself did not treat people well, and they paid him the same coin - and this was his responsibility.

Kant said: "Treat people the way you want them to treat you." Kant was a philosopher, he could afford to proclaim speculative theories. I am not a philosopher, I am a psychologist, and mere proclamation is not enough for me. I need a concept that will work. We can love people if we want them to love us, but we cannot force them to love us.

I am a psychologist and that's why I say: "Treat people the way you want to treat them, and let them do the same."

In these words, in my opinion, there is much more freedom, more action and less waiting.

I do not demand that people have any feelings and emotions for me. Their emotions are their choice, but I can only be responsible for my own, and this is my responsibility.

To convince Maxim completely that no one owes him anything, I did not succeed. But I explained one thought in relation to life to him: "You are responsible for what happens to you." You are responsible for all your actions.