by their emotional defects, then men tend to underestimate the human context in which sex takes place. “It doesn’t hurt me if a woman can’t appreciate me emotionally,” says Martin Clunes’ character on the soap opera Men Behaving Badly, “as long as she still undresses.”

Men even consider sex as food. Their characteristic reaction to refusing to have sex is bewilderment: “What, she went on a hunger strike? We all need to eat to survive." Hence the tendency for men to share their "needs" and feelings. As a husband says to his wife immediately after a quarrel in a novel by Roddy Doyle: “I suppose there’s nothing to think about horse racing?” Seeking consolation, men still solicit sex.

Men pretend that they are always ready, that they never run out of factory, but they can just as well have "headaches." They also like to maintain male stereotypes. True, contrary to myth, the world is full of ardent accountants and cold pop stars. Whatever men think to themselves, sexual desires are distributed in the same way among the sexes. A small number of people have extreme sexual appetite (large or small), while everyone else falls somewhere in between.

If you look only from the point of view of sexual appetites, then women tend to be cautious about their love affairs. Men use theirs for propaganda purposes. In fact, the only way to make any sense out of adultery research is to admit that women regularly lie about their lovers. Either we allow it, or one urban sex worker in northern England has more partners than he eats hot meals.

Current psychological thought, based on multifaceted research, accepts the possibility that there really is a "male brain." For females, this male brain is generally perceived as:

♦ less socially adapted,

♦ less able to maneuver and compromise in social and emotional relationships,

♦ Less capable of making the deep and meaningful interpersonal connections that women find so necessary to feel empowered and well-being.

It remains to be seen whether these current studies will prove fruitful. But even if they do not produce results, it should be remembered that publicity is already a form of social learning, a way of forming ideas in society. Books like the bestseller Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus have taught both sexes to believe that men don't understand emotions.

MEN ARE OVERLOOKED WITH FEELINGS
The male brain has another important difference from the female brain. Since men do not tend to delve into their own or other people's feelings, they are more emotionally vulnerable. According to psychologist Dr. John Gotman, men have a stronger physical response to all of their emotions than women. If both sexes wanted to challenge the emotional world championship, men could probably claim it. In general, there is strong evidence that men's fuses have a shorter lifespan and they are in prolonged tension and excitement when they are angry.

For example, during a marital quarrel, a man’s heart rate increases sharply and blood pressure rises, while indicators of increased physiological activity will last much longer than his wife. Typically, a man's heart rate increases by extra 20-30 beats per minute. Otherwise, the heart rate will approach the heart rate of a man racing in Formula One. This happens very rapidly, so that for a long time after the woman has already switched to other subjects, his heart will be pounding furiously. In a woman, as a rule, the pulse before, during and after the “conversation” can hardly change. She seems to be more comfortable voicing her grievances than avoiding them.

Such gender differences, says Gottman in his book Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, help to explain why men are so much more likely than women to become silent - in fact, they may even deny that they have they have emotional difficulties. Gotman suggests that 85 percent of silent people are men, and the purpose of their refusal to admit that they have emotional problems is to save the male brain from unacceptably high levels of stress.

The mathematics of domestic quarrels simply ensures that additional stress is created for the woman as the issues remain unresolved. His gain (when he does not have to think about unpleasant things) is her loss (since she fails to arouse in him participation in her experiences). Gotman characterizes silence as "an example of the most destructive behavior in modern marriage." After a domestic quarrel—and because they are naturally more aggressive—men tend to replay negative remarks in their heads many times, thereby remaining in an agitated state for much longer, and in the end they say to themselves: “I made the mess myself, and I’ll clear it up!”

SAME PROBLEM, DIFFERENT SOLUTIONS
♦ Men and women indicate different points of divergence when relationships start to fail. Men talk about things like money and sex, women talk about problems related to mental and emotional intimacy and participation.

♦ Men are much more likely to see the cooling of relations not as a crisis, but as a technical problem.

♦ When men keep quiet, women tend to insist on a more emotional response.

♦ As a last resort, women have a habit of shaking out dirty laundry, fishing out every single time in the past when a partner was not up to par.

♦ Men interpret this as a declaration of war - often while voting with their feet.

HOW TO ARGUMENT WITHOUT RUINTING THE RELATIONSHIP
♦ The Magical 5 to 1 Ratio: Make sure that there are five times more positive feelings between you than negative ones.

♦ Refrain from blaming.

♦ Talk about how you feel.

♦ Listen to your partner.

♦ Do not criticize or try to analyze the partner's personality.

♦ Refrain from insults, ridicule and sarcasm.

♦ Do not stir up the past, but speak directly and stick to one situation.

♦ Learn to calm down when overwhelming emotions interfere with communication.

♦ Discuss taking a break.

♦ Try to think of your partner's good qualities - praise them and admire them.

♦ Refer to these principles again and again. It takes a long time to learn new habits.

HOW TO SPEAK SO HE LISTENS
You spend so many happy hours together that it's embarrassing when your relationship is threatened by a lack of communication. Try to say:

♦ “Sometimes I feel like…” instead of “You always…”

♦ "Please don't do that again, it makes me sad..." instead of "If you do that again..."

♦ “Let me explain what I think about this…” instead of “You never understood me…”

Men do not like the feeling of helplessness and hopelessness.

DO TYPICAL MEN HAVE A LITTLE BRAIN?
The only truly decisive gender difference that affects all of our romantic relationships is the sharper ability of women to "read minds." When a woman looks into your eyes, she is better than most men at telling you how you feel. She has more developed intuition, she quickly interprets body language, tone of voice, even facial expressions. An extreme form of psychological withdrawal, the so-called autism, associated with a complete inability to recognize the feelings of other people, is much more common in men than in women.

As you know, most babies start life as emotional tyrants. They are not interested in the needs of other people - they want attention and make a fuss if they do not receive it. By the age of two, however, toddlers are usually able to understand that different people have different wants and needs, but are still unable to understand why.

By the age of five or seven, children are able to recognize that different people interpret the world in different ways, and by this age all children should become psychologists. The problem is that many boys do not make this leap in development and a significant proportion of males remain unable to "get into the shoes of another person."

Cambridge research by Simon Baron-Cohen now suggests that boys may have limited development of the so-called "social brain" because for centuries it was considered important for men not to show too much empathy for their fellow men. For example, if you are trying to kill an enemy in battle, it is hardly appropriate to imagine how his widow or mother will mourn his death.

Turning off these "social genes" in boys produced consistent benefits. Their focus on decisiveness and the absence of hesitation through the simplification of brain activity proved to be valuable in a warlike world. It also provided a competitive advantage in a rough industrial society where production matters more than people or the environment. It turns out that twice as many fathers and grandfathers of autistic boys work as engineers than you would expect from statistics. The male brain, Baron-Cohen concludes, is better equipped to think about machines than about the existence, demands, or needs of another soul.

TWO SEXS SEPARATED BY A COMMON LANGUAGE
We must recognize that there is fundamental truth in the books of John Gray. All psychological research shows that men and women are aroused by different aspects of sex, seek different rewards in sex, and prefer different types of sexual activity. Yet both sexes are forced to use the same language to express their conflicting desires. When intern Jeff invited bank clerk Christine at the end of their date to "drop in for a cup of coffee," she thought about how he would kiss her while he speculated about the color of her underwear. While Kristin hoped to linger on delicious preliminaries, Jeff planned precise sexual positions, and in the end hoped that this was the right girl for erotic bondage games. Such confusion can exist in the minds and terms between representatives bound by mutual agreement the same biological species. Therefore, we must recognize these differences in order to learn how to harmonize them.

A BRIEF