were fourteen years old and in families, they were afraid of the growing drug and alcohol addiction of teenagers, as well as the general trouble in the local high school. On the appointed evening, the fathers took the boys towards the hills for an overnight camping trip. Around the campfire, fathers talked about their teenage years. In the tradition of the best rhapsodists, the fathers recalled their adventures, reckless antics, tricks, the most important achievements, the most important failures, their disappointments and dreams. Later, one of the fathers remarked: “Our sons left there with completely different ideas about what it means to be a man. They saw with new eyes their fathers, who were also once boys. It seems to me that my son now knows that he is on the road of manhood and that I will always be with him along this path.

If the boy’s anger and passion were heard, if he felt that he was understood, if a man who had authority in the eyes of the boy helped him bring these feelings out and turn them into positive actions, the boy gains self-acceptance and power over his feelings, learns to be responsible for them.

Our friend Anal Connie from Myrtle Beach, North Carolina has coached high school girls' teams for track and field competition year after year. The boys are always hanging around. He says: “Many of them are not as bad as they seem. They're looking for a role, they're playing a role, but all they really do is walk up to you and say 'wow!' As soon as I realized that, I just started saying, “Get cold, boy!” and I tease them a little. Though I am decisive, but kind, and this is the main thing. The teenage boys I spoke to struggle with a variety of emotions, including anger. Most of them are just busy looking for a parent figure—someone they can talk to—and each of them desperately needs someone they can confide in.”

In early adolescence (sixteen to eighteen) the boy uses his increased understanding of how the senses work to get out into the big world. His disillusionment grows into acceptance of reality, and now he wants to participate in the fight against the injustice that he sees, and not just criticize it. This is the time when young men begin to seek the truth, when political, spiritual problems and questions of a future career come to the fore for them. "Hobbies" of the period adolescence develops into personal, more enduring relationships with people. Parents suddenly discover that their son's sense of humor and interest in family affairs have returned, although for now he still prefers to spend time in the company of friends. We can breathe a little: our sons who have grown up and matured become more cheerful, more optimistic about life's ups and downs and therefore will leave home more peaceful.

I remember how my parents "wised up" when I turned seventeen: I could now approach them with any question that worried me.

Thank God, times are changing, but the wound most boys come into adulthood with is the denial of their deepest feelings. We still allow a man to experience anger, sexual attraction and aggressiveness - these feelings have become part of the male stereotype. And what about the rest of the feelings that form the internal control system of a man? Therefore, it is especially important that adolescent boys feel empowered to feel and show their resentment, disappointment, fear, sadness, loss, hatred, joy, compassion and excitement.

Today, most men come into adulthood having lost some part of themselves, sacrificing it for the sake of the intellect revered in our culture. AND поэтому нельзя удивляться, что нынешние руководители оказываются несостоятельными в решении проблем загрязнения окружающей среды, уничтожения пойменных лесов, истребления видов, голода и бедности. ANDм не разрешали испытывать страх, печаль, горечь потери, радость жизни, блаженство. Feelings of anger and the need to conquer, if they are not balanced by other human emotions, lead to inferiority, greed, uncontrolled "progress". Below are the emotions of most modern men who are cut off from all their feelings except anger, aggressiveness and sexual desire.

A boy at the age of "Mr Nahal" experiences feelings of high intensity, although he may not always know how to name them. When our sons were little, we could tell them how they felt, and things usually changed a little. The tension eased: they saw that they were understood. However, when we try to name the feelings of a teenager, he often regards this as an attempt to control him. It's better to give him the opportunity to experience their feelings without comment. If there is an opportunity to talk, then a cautious assumption about what he is experiencing (sadness, fear or resentment) can help the boy to understand his inner world, the world of his feelings.

D: When I work with teenagers, the "emotion curve" (see Chapter 4) is usually very successful with them. They immediately grasp its essence, especially with regard to the "zone of clear vision." For many families, feelings and the zone of clear vision have become more understandable precisely because of this curve.

Below is a frame for your son's emotions. Fill it out and think about what your family can do to bring the feelings that are out of the box to their rightful place. What do you need to understand about yourself so that the family becomes more open to a wide variety of feelings? What action should you take? В разделе «Internal control system» главы 5 вы найдете необходимую помощь.

fences

When sons enter adolescence, it becomes both more difficult and easier to set up fences. The boy becomes self-motivated to cooperate, he is very interested in both the external and internal world. He is interested in what and how is happening around him. He may be deeply focused on doing homework or doing things that he is interested in, even if he is not urged. But he passionately and stubbornly refuses to do what he is asked to do if he thinks it is wrong, unfair or unreasonable. Unlike the previous open defiance, when he simply pushed into our fences, the teenager uses the ability to argue that has appeared in him, and it can be quite difficult to refute his arguments.

If parents want to get completely confused in their relationship with their teenage son, then the surest way to do this is to take everything that the child does too close to heart. Teen resistance is usually directed at parents because we are their closest authority figure. One of our main tasks as parents is to be there at this moment to let our son know who he is and how he will hopefully become strong and loving. ANDменно поэтому мы ощущаем на себе главный удар их поисков. Most of the time, however, the boys break through the fences we have so painstakingly erected, not to punish us or avenge us for what we have done. or what they have not done, but because they are driven by a natural desire to become autonomous. A teenage boy wants to run his own life. He longs to become a man. He looks for and finds a weak spot in our fence, because he tests himself as well as us.

When a son—intentionally or not—breaks the “house rules,” he needs to get feedback from us to know what effect his actions have on the lives of others. ANDногда ему просто необходимо пастбище попросторнее, в других же случаях, наоборот, ему слишком много места. fences в отрочестве иногда приходится менять каждый день. ANDх обязательно нужно обсуждать, пересматривать и переставлять так, чтобы они соответствовали потребностям ребенка.

The main guidelines for setting boundaries and limits for teenagers are:

• You can only reinforce already established boundaries.

• Talk more with your teenager. Discuss various issues with your son regularly, but remember: the main responsibility lies with you. While he is a minor, it is too early to vote.

• Be kind. Firmness and kindness are not opposed to each other. They go hand in hand. It is easier for any person to accept a hard line if it is done kindly.

• Be consistent. Обязательно делайте то, что пообещали сdo. Such an example is very important for a boy. Don't leave anything to chance. If you do not fulfill your own obligations, then for the son it will mean: "I don't care about you."

• Choose a fence after careful consideration. Wattle с минимальными последствиями, наверное, вполне годится, если вы просите сына запирать двери, когда он уходит. If he forgets to do this, then a reminder is usually sufficient for him to comply with the requirement. Homecoming hour, on the other hand, may require a brick wall, because teens have a habit of forgetting time when walking.

• It's best to discuss limitations in private. Respect your teen's feelings and need to keep these things private. Here it cannot be teased or ridiculed. Talking about him and the fences you set up in front of a boy's friends can embarrass him and thereby cause irreparable damage to your relationship with him. Your son's trust in you is a sacred gift, and it will be very difficult to restore it if you will deceive him at least once.

• Consequences must match the misconduct. Boys at this age have a well-developed sense of time and space, so they are able to see the causes and consequences of their behavior. Now it is already possible to establish consequences for the future, and it is not necessary that they directly reflect the act. However, due to his heightened sense of justice, the boy will